My emotions have really been all over the place lately and I have reached this place where I wish I could go back to the days when I was more numb, and didn’t feel everything so deeply…
Because the emotions that I tend to feel deeply are generally more so connected to some sort of pain or frustration…
Earlier I had to tell myself repeatedly that “you are not ‘less than’ because he wants nothing to do with you…”
This is what I told myself as I cried because my bio-dad didn’t answer the phone when I called…
I’m not even sure why I felt so compelled to call him…
I haven’t spoken to him in over three years…
I stopped reaching out once I realized that my efforts were pretty much wasted on him…
Our interactions were extremely inconsistent to the point that they could be considered non-existent prior to that anyways…
So I’m not even sure why I called him…
And I’m not sure why I was surprised or hurt by the fact that he didn’t answer…
But I wish I could go back to the days when I could at least pretend like it didn’t hurt…
Honestly, I wish I didn’t care….
I also wish it didn’t hurt to be neglected and rejected by him…
It’s annoying to me how many tears have been shed over this…