On my podcast I often say, “I can only give yall what I got…”
That’s the way that I record my content… but more so it’s the way that I’ve always lived my life… unapologetically me because I really can only give the world what I have to offer… no more… no less…
But right now that mantra feels like a double-edged sword as I’ve been sitting here for a while, allowing myself to be distracted, so that I don’t have to dive into what’s been weighing on my heart and mind…
Maybe I should stop writing these the day before they’re scheduled to publish… maybe if I had done that I would have been able to offer yall something more uplifting or encouraging…
Nevertheless I know that I can only give yall what I have to give… and right now all I have to offer is a lot of pain and confusion…
I’ve been on the verge of tears most nights as I lay there lost in my thoughts… and it’s gotten to the point that I haven’t really wanted to try to process what’s floating through my heart and mind…
Perhaps it’s because I feel like I’ve repeated some of the same thoughts and questions over and over and over again for the past five and a half years without any chance of anything changing…
Grief is wild in that way…
And I never really anticipated that one of these blogposts would be a grief journal…
Though when I think about it, that was probably kind of foolish of me because March is always a hard month for my family with his birthday being the 22nd of this month…
But this year I’m finding myself really angry at the fact that grief really doesn’t end…
I mean I may forget to remember at times… (read that again… and then maybe again if you’re not understanding what I’m saying)… but the pain is always there
Furthermore there are also times where it feels like the moment that I was sitting in the hospital room listening to the doctor tell me that my daughters’ father did not survive…
Grief is wild that way…
And this year we are trying to focus more on celebrating his life… rather than ONLY mourning his death…
But it still sucks that anyone has to experience this type of loss this side of heaven (or whatever you believe happens once we leave this earth)…